Heart of Ice
by Kitara Lira
Summary: Oneshot


_Heart of Ice_

By Kitara Lira

* * *

The world is an unforgiving place. One moment it congratulates you for the deeds done and the next it swallows you whole. It doesn't care if you make one mistake or ten; the number doesn't matter. What matters is luck. Are you lucky enough to live or does your luck run out?

They say the world is truly a sink or swim environment; I couldn't agree more. At moments I'm sinking, so far gone that no one is able to dig me out. Though somehow here I am, above ground level, watching the flow of time pass. Unable to stop. Unable to start. Life falls to a standstill.

_Hold me_

_Someone_

_I beg of you_

_Just hold me_

_I'm falling._

-

"Merry Christmas!" The fat man in the red suit bellowed as he walked down the street. In one hand he held a bell, jangling the cursed object up and down in a constant rhythm. The metal balls within the larger portions slide back and forth, releasing a shrill cry into the chilly winter's air, "Merry Christmas!" Sang the voice again, the sound becoming quieter and quieter with each passing moment.

It was always the same. The same loving faces, the same glistening eyes, the same carefree attitude. Once a year, always during the same time, the world glistens in a glow of multicoloured lights. Every year; it never changed.

"Don't look so grumpy, this is the season to be merry and gay!" The woman at my side clung tighter to my arm, weighing it down just so. Her reddish orange hair was speckled with flecks of white from the falling winter snow; the grin upon her features spoke mischief and trouble. She was always the same. She never changed.

The scowl never faded, not even for a fraction of a second, "I'm not grumpy, and I refuse to be merry or gay," I groaned, attempting to pry her vice grip from my numbing arm, "Let go."

To my surprise she released my arm, skipping forward a few steps only to turn back and face me, "You're such a Grinch Natsuki," Arms crossing about her chest the somewhat shorter woman sighed, "Why can't you just enjoy Christmas like everyone else?" The pout upon her lips and the pathetic look in her eyes would have been enough to bring anyone to their knees - but not me.

Exhaling sharply, I strode past her, our shoulders bumping together as I past, "Don't do that," My heart was frozen, it never thaws and I made sure winter was no exception, "You look like an idiot."

Violet orbs narrowed and in place of a pout the woman stuck her tongue out, jutting her upper body forward in the process, "Grinch!" You called from behind me, before jogging lightly to catch up.

Not another word was exchanged between us for the duration of the walk home – we didn't have to. We both knew the answers all too well. No matter how many times you asked, I would never answer. That was how it worked. Even to the closest thing I had to a friend and I couldn't open my heart – not even a fraction.

_Frozen solid_

_Stuck in a maze_

_No use struggling_

_The end will never come._

-

"We're going to my parents this Christmas," she began as if saying it would change my ultimate answer, "You're free to…"

"No," I cut in, leaning to the side. She was standing in front of my video game. How in the hell was I supposed to kill the final boss if I couldn't see him? Noticing my attention was again solely fixed to my console, she threw her arms high in the air, retreating to the kitchen in defeat. I think I heard her mumbling something to the effects of '_Why do I even bother'_ I could have asked her the same question. In fact, I often do. The only response I ever receive is _'Because I care, we're friends Natsuki. Friends do things like this for each other.' _I'll never understand that woman. Never.

_Lost in a daze_

_With no where to go_

_I'm dying inside_

_Won't you come save me?_

-

"Now remember Natsuki, there are frozen meals in the freezer enough to last you until we get home. Please don't eat beer and pizza all week again, it's not good for you. We'll see you when we return from our trip towards the end of next week." A reassuring hug was offered and I squirmed at the contact. She knows I hate them, but still she gives them. Says it's good for me… or something like that. What could be good about a hug? It's just someone rubbing their grubby body up against yours suffocating all personal space, "We'll call you when we get there. Please, be good this time Natsuki. Please… remember to eat." With that she ended the hug, providing me with one more concerned glance before the other tugged her away.

"Enjoy your trip," was all I could think to say. Then with the two figures out of sight I retreated back into the confines of the house, feet dragging, as I made my way into the kitchen. Slowly I opened the fridge, followed by the freezer, "I don't feel hungry…" I mumbled to myself, shutting both and exiting the area, consulting the comforts of my couch.

I spent hours doing simply nothing – it was how most of my life passed. Wasted.

Rising from the cold leather I strode over to the window. Forehead pressed against the frosty glass I watched the sky cry white. For how long I'm not entirely sure. I passed out before I had even considered leaving the icy world. Something about the cold; something about the frost… it all rang _home_ through my heart of ice.

Things weren't always like this. I wasn't always so lost; hopeless. Believe it or not once upon I time I was alive. Once upon a time…

_Tears never fall_

_Not since Winter set up permanent residence_

_Fallen_

_But only because I forgot how to fly_

-

My eyes opened, my head throbbed. Numb; not that I wasn't unaccustomed to such a feeling, but still… I never welcomed it. It took every ounce of strength to pick up my worn body, dragging it into the shower, forcing it clean.

When the process of clean clothes and clean skin were applied I attempted a meal. After all it had been at least twenty-four hours since my body had last relished in the taste of food, it needed something. Anything. So, clasping the nearest frozen plastic container in the freezer I tossed it into the microwave, punching in a few numbers… I don't even remember for how long. Five, maybe ten minutes? All I know is it all feels the same going down – like charcoal. But at least I ate; at least that way she wouldn't yell at me when she got back.

_Smile_

_Smile again_

_Please bring them back_

_Give me a reason to smile again_

-

Today I would venture out. Dawning the winter layers I dared the world; I stepped out, out into the massive crowds of Christmas shoppers and all the holiday cheer.

When I was younger I used to enjoy the season. I remember shopping with my mother, sitting on that fat red man's lap, eating chocolate and throwing snow. In fact I hadn't hated the season until recently; I hadn't fallen… until recently. Funny, how it all comes walking hand in hand.

"Miss would you like to try a sample of our…" A sales man dressed in a forest green elf costume had taken to stalking me through the street, attempting to sell me something I had refused to even acknowledge.

"No," Was my curt response, much like the one I had given yesterday to my '_friend'_, "Go bother someone else before you regret it." I added in the most polite manner I could formulate – I was like talking to a fool. All responses were minimalistic, monotone and worst of all dead like.

After the first man, I ran into several others like him, all received the same response.

Passing a quaint flower shop I paused, flowers might be nice. I took a step closer to the frosting window, scanning through the shops selection. Ultimately it was the soft smile of the owner and the warm holiday cheer resonating from the shop that turned me away – empty handed.

_Tomorrow is today_

_Today yesterday_

_It doesn't make sense_

_But then again, did it ever?_

-

The tips of my fingers were no longer tingling. From them I felt nothing; numb. My feet in a similar condition. It had been hours that I had been walking, no true destination in mind. Just away. To forget… but I never could.

"_Come play Natsuki!"_ Upward I glanced, my emerald eyes dull; dead. I knew it was just my imagination – hearing that voice. I could feel the snowball impact the side of my head though when I raised my hand to wipe the bitter cold, nothing. No snow. No figure.

My heart would have cracked, my eyes would have cried… if they knew how. My heart was frozen; my eyes soulless. All those years ago, I died.

"_Natsuki I'm cold, hold my hand?"_ My limbs couldn't feel; broken. There – midst the snow – I lay. Arms sprawled wide, legs in a similar fashion. From a far away distance I might have appeared like an angel within the snow, but inside I was nothing. Towards the sky I reached, groping blindly for something, anything.

_Stuck in this world_

_With nothing to love_

_Nothing to live for_

_Why can't I follow you?_

-

The cold became colder and it was then that I knew I couldn't stay there forever. As comforting as it might have been the snow would not be the same once the sun set. So hands pressed into the white substance that was my escape I forced myself to rise, brushing the white from my sleeves and pant bottoms. Hands thrown into the depths of my pockets I took once last glance to my surroundings – it would never change.

Before making it home my body forced me to stop. Forced me to see. There before a nameless grave I stood, no flowers to offer, no smile to give. Just me and my broken heart.

_I loved you_

_You loved me_

_When we finally realized this the world screamed_

_Ripping us apart forever._

_-_

The world is an unforgiving place; cut throat and cold. The moment you're happy it looks to tear it away by any means necessary. That is simply the way it functions. Happy endings aren't true – they're fake; a façade.

For a moment in life it is possible to live and to truly love, but never attach yourself to such a thing for it is foolish. Because the moment you become attached is the same moment you fall. Pulled down; suffocated.

Once upon a time I fell in love but that love was ripped from me – leaving me alone on this cold desolate world. In heaven she waits but I know I'll never make it that far. Heaven only accepts the good, the beautiful, and the right. I was wrong, tainted, and ugly. Heaven will never take me because our love was to them eternally wrong – so wrong that the world tore it apart.

But I will wait for you; only for you. No matter how dead I am inside; how lost. Until the end of time I will wait. Wait for you to return to me. In a time and age where it is not wrong to love each other. I may be falling now but in the next life I will be searching, clawing my way to the surface. Because for you I would die a million times over. For you I would willingly give my life. For a hope that someday, somehow we will come together – two lost souls reunited to form one.

The world is heartless and without you… I have followed in its footsteps. My life is at its standstill but not for long. Any moment now it will end; I can rest and when I awaken? I will travel to the ends of the world searching; praying; hoping. The world ripped us apart once; sending you to heaven and me to an eternal prison here. But I will find you. I will find a way. If only for a moment to hold your hand, kiss your pale lips or stare into your mesmerizing eyes. I will find you. And when I do this heart of ice can finally melt; I can at long last live again.

* * *

Author Notes: Sorry, I sat down two days ago and this just kind of... happened?  
I know there are several portions that do not make a lot of sense and that actually contradict each other... but that's just the way I wrote it. This was written to be an openly "expressive" piece and something that perhaps we as humans can relate to during some point of our life. Never to the same degree; but to the same meaning.  
...I'll shut up now; I'm running on a few hours sleep but well worth it.

Hope you enjoy; Happy Holidays


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